The weekend, much like my life of late was a WHIRLWIND! Saturday was a good busy! Courtney and I went to the farmers market early that morning. She was off to my soon to be daughter in law Amber’s bachelorette party after that! Darren and I shopped for groceries, a quick pontoon boat ride then I was off to Courtney and her husbands house for the night to dog sit. Darren stayed home and I have to say, it was probably good for us both to have a little alone time. I spent way more time playing with the dog, going for a walk, and watching the shows I like on TV then I spent thinking about Felicia! (reminder: my kidney mass has been appropriately named Felicia! BYE FELICIA!) I was fully stocked up on water and healthy snacks. (thank you Courtney!) And her house is SO COZY! Around 10pm, I headed to bed. Her bed is comfy x1000! I fell gloriously asleep feeling great and then it happened! Someone poked my arm, (it was 2am) I jumped approximately 8 feet and am fairly certain I blacked out briefly! It was my daughter……. GEEZE GIRL! It would seem that opting to be responsible at the party paid off as I do believe the 1.5 incredibly emotional weeks prior may have finally caught up to her. Sleeping was not an option so home to climb in bed with her mama was in order. After my heart started beating again, I managed to fall back to sleep. I do love her so!

Sunday was productive! Courtney and I planned to make and freeze meals for the first week or two of my recovery at home. My very lucky husband is now armed to make us chili, enchiladas, lasagna, chicken & rice casserole and more! It was a fun day. Courtney did most of the work if I am being honest, but I did try to help!

I definitely notice Felicia’s presence more than ever. I suspect mostly due to simply knowing she is there. Additionally, my anxiety regarding the kidney removal surgery is at quite a high! I know it’s normal and I am so ready to get rid of the mass, but I am really nervous!

I do still thankfully remain free of any severe pain or blood in my urine (sorry for the TMI) which are often symptoms of RCC. (renal cell carcinoma) Someone that is comforting.

I often continue to feel as though I will perhaps awake from one hell of a nasty nightmare. But, it would seem that this is real. This is happening. But the support is overwhelming at times. You really start to realize how much people genuinely love and care about you! My recommendation: Start treating your loved ones, friends, hell, even people you don’t know and maybe run into in an elevator or restaurant like you care. You care because we are all in this together really. And in truth, I don’t think I look sick when people see me, so you just don’t know what people are going through!

Be kind, smile, tell someone their shoes are cute or their hair looks amazing, or just say “have a great day”. It’s so frigging easy to do and feels SO GOOD! Ya have to get some nice “feel goods!”

I woke up a little extra anxious today. It is ENTIRELY possible that it was due in part to the fact that I, along with my daughter, had plans to go to my mother & father in laws home to pick my mother in law up to take her shopping. We do this about once a year to get her set on things she may need and to enjoy some time out of the house. She has been wheelchair bound for over 10 years now so it serves as a nice, small break for her and my father in law and we enjoy the time with her. But I was worried……… you see, I have not seen them since my husband shared my diagnosis with them a couple of days ago. I have never known my biological father and my mother is…..well……not in the picture. My in laws have been my parents for the last 22 years. They have loved and cared for me like their own for as long as I can remember. And I was REALLY nervous about how they would take things.

When I walked in, my father in law hugged me. Tighter than normal and simply said “I am going to say this once and then we are NOT going to dwell on this….. but I am SO SORRY you are going through this”. I think he said more, but I sort of blanked out some and found myself doing the now usual “It’s going to be okay, I am going to be fine”. It’s as though I can’t just take someone’s words of support without feeling I need to convince them I’ll be fine.

My mother in law did not say much and it actually made me feel better. We set out on our shopping journey and in the car while I was on the phone she talked to my daughter briefly about it. She was sweet and kind and very positive. She knows I am a strong woman. She is one of the strongest woman I know and has taught me well.

We visited our best friends, went to dinner and enjoyed some time at their new home. It was not our usual visit. There was obviously an “elephant in the room”. But they love us and we know that and we know the support, prayer and positive thoughts they are holding us up with. These are the kind of friends you want in your life. The kind that without saying a word make you feel and know they are there for you 100%.

Today I am a bit afraid. Today I will rely on the strength and support of others. Oh, and I am on the offer of kidney #8…… or is it 9?

Another work from home day and I have to say, I am really glad I chose to go this route. Home just feels really nice right now.

It’s occurred to me that this time of waiting is not going to be quite as easy has I had anticipated. I really believed when my surgeon called to say we were good to go to surgery and the scheduler called with next Thursday as the date, that I would be SET! No such luck. Turns out a week is a VERY long time in this case. I find that I notice everything. Every twinge in my belly, (things I would have not previously paid ANY attention to at all) every small discomfort, am I hungry, am I not, am I tired, am I not.

I also find myself looking at everyone differently. Walking through Target I am thinking “I am sure I look like any other normal person to the others here……is there someone else walking around going through what I am? A mass in their body that needs to come out? Or maybe they just finished recovery?” It’s on odd way to walk around really, having these thoughts and wondering about so much.

I have never been what one would call “empathetic”. I mean, with my kids yes. They still can’t so much as get a paper cut and I writhe in the sympathy pains I have for them. And the youngest is 25. But I am talking about the rest of the world. I have always been pretty jaded really. Now I find myself caring a bit more, being a bit more understanding. The screaming child, the person on the road who seems to have no clue where they are going, the not exactly polite cashier. I recognize now that my kiddos screamed too, maybe he or she is tired or hungry or has just had enough shopping. I understand that I have been lost on the road, in an area I have never been and most certainly held up traffic while I tried to figure it out. And the cashier? Maybe she’s having a bad day. Maybe she or a loved one was recently diagnosed with cancer or something else that is really scary. Maybe taking time off work to process it isn’t an option. We have NO CLUE what people are going through.

I have learned that showing kindness is as easy, if not easier than being irritated about things all of the time & thinking the worst instead of assuming best intent. It feels good to know that the compliment or smile I just shared with someone may just change their day for the better. So be kind and smile. People all around you are going through things too.

Today I worked from home. I am so grateful for the support, but it was making it hard to get anything done with all of those sweet kind well wishers coming over to my desk. I am NOT complaining, I appreciate each one of them. But I wasn’t getting a thing done!

Today a little of the fear crept back in. I am sure it’s normal. What is crazy is that I feel physically better than I have in months and months. I sleep a bit better, the night sweats have subsided some, I am hungry (but still losing weight…….? Silver lining?) I am sure much of the feeling better is a direct result of the fact that the day after the diagnosis, my daughter Courtney went on a serious mission to research what I should and should not eat and drink. I am consuming more water, fruits, vegetables and lean protein than I think I EVER have. Sugar is gone from my diet. Funny, I don’t miss it a bit. The goal is to get me to surgery next week as healthy as possible!

Word has definitely gotten out and I receive messages, texts and emails filled with positive thoughts and support. And yes, even a few more offers of kidneys. I think I am up to 7 kidney offers waiting in the wings.

I hear mostly positive stories. REALLY scary cancers, (they are all scary right?) where the outcome has been excellent. But occasionally I hear about the not so great outcomes. Those are the ones that scare me, but I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that I will be out there 6 months or a year from now sharing my story with others, bringing them peace, comfort, support and just being someone to listen.

It’s been 1 week today since my diagnosis and I can honestly say my life has forever been changed, mostly for the better without a doubt.

Cancer is no longer the first thing I think of when I wake or the last thing I think of when I head to bed. That is something! It is just a part of my life, it doesn’t define it. “A bump on my journey” is what my daughter calls it. I can certainly handle a bump. I’ve always been strong and this will only make me stronger.

It’s official. This has become a bit like “dear diary” for me each day! I honestly don’t know if another person will see it, but it sure is helping me!

Tuesday was another pretty “normal” day in the grand scheme of things. I told more people, the puppy dog eyes and pats on the back are now in full effect. I find myself telling people “It’s okay”, “I’m going to be fine!” Wait, what……? Shouldn’t everyone be telling me that? Real talk? They are! Lot’s more hugs, no more tears, offers of gin and a few more kidney’s. Good Lord I have great friends!

I left work a bit early today. My daughter whisked me away to my happy place! TARGET! I’m finding myself looking for things to have with me in the hospital next week. Comfy cloths, my mini blender, I told my husband I wanted the toaster there, but he felt that may be pushing it. I feel a bit like a little girl school cloths shopping or heading off to summer camp.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the fear still lurks in the bushes. I have never had a “big girl” surgery. But at the end of the day, for a REALLY shitty situation, I have the best team, the best support, kidney’s galore waiting for me if needed, an attitude of so much gratitude and a mission. More to come on the mission. For now, I’ll breath and maybe head out in a bit to sit in the sun and watch it set. Should be BEAUTIFUL tonight. And things look so much more colorful and bright these days!

So I went back to work today. It was a bit like ripping off a REALLY big band aid. Some people knew, I wasn’t sure who and I was just NOT ready for a day filled with puppy dog eyes and pats on the back. But it wasn’t like that! I ended up making the decision to share the news with the co-workers who I worked directly with who did not yet know. I received hugs, support, a couple of tears and even a few offers of kidneys! LOL! I told them I should be just fine with one healthy kidney, but that I would keep it in mind just in case. For the first time since last Thursday’s diagnosis I felt like a “normal” person again. Like I was not walking around with a huge mass in my kidney. I call her “Felicia” by the way. We are all excited to say “BYE FELICIA!”

So there I was, working like a regular ole person and my cell phone rang. I answer ALL CALLS now and this was a good one. It was my surgeon. The brilliant man who is going to take “Felicia” far far away! He confirmed what we had learned on Friday evening. He with the consensus of some other brilliant people determined that the mass was quite contained, no impact to those important surrounding tubes and organs. The kidney was coming out!!!!! Not just coming out, but coming out in 10 days! Now THIS was the first time since diagnosis that I felt JOY! Not just happiness, laughter, calm or fun, but real, honest, overwhelming, I can’t believe this, JOY! NOW things are moving! Or as my step-dad would say, “now we’re cookin’ with gas!”

Today I feel hope, gratitude, love and JOY! For a lady with cancer…….not a bad day.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Friday 8/9/19 was a TOUGH start to the day. My beautiful daughter who glued herself to my side from my diagnosis the day prior, and I both woke up REALLY anxious about things. I think the shock had worn off and reality set in. And we knew NOTHING about what the future held. As you know from my previous post, Friday turned out to be a day of information, testing and appointments and we wrapped up the day feel significantly better!

Friday evening, sometime after 6pm, the doctor on my newly formed team who specializes in the lungs called. My CT with contrast showed nothing we did not already know with the exception of a spot on my liver that is almost undetectably small. This felt like a HUGE win for not just me, but my family. Now for the oncology urologist. We just need him to agree. But in that moment, we all just took a breath, counted Blessings and just sat with the news.

Saturday our oldest son, daughter in law and sweet precious granddaughter came to visit. Along with my daughter still there glued to my side and her incredible husband. We relaxed, we cooked, we watched TV and spent time on our pontoon boat. We talked a bit about it because of course there are so many questions. But mostly we were just there, enjoying that very second, minute, hour we were in. Saturday was also the day I told my youngest son who had just return from a HUGE off the grid mountain hike with a college friend and his girlfriend. (and my sweet grandpuppy Lou) Thankfully we had SO much more information to share so he took it really well.

The only one not taking it well was my husband. This man was struggling. Separating himself from us and hiding in coping mechanism’s all his own. And I had decided that I would accept nothing but positive thoughts. And so our dilemma.

Sunday…..… Sunday was the day that my daughter felt comfortable enough to go back home, our son and his family were back home and it was just us. My husband (Darren by the way) and myself. And so the “talk” ensued. We had not been alone for a moment since the diagnosis. I let him know in no uncertain terms that from that moment  on it was positive thoughts and vibes only! Is this scary? YES! SO SCARY! But can we do this? We can SO DO THIS! My treatment team says so, my family and friends say so, I say so. So get on board! And so he did. He gets it. I just couldn’t shake my own fear long enough to understand his. But ultimately he grew to understand that my fear was bigger, it was different, it was terrifying and I need him to get me through this. And he will. He’s amazing and I am beyond grateful.

Not a typical weekend in the Gort house, but we are getting used to this new “normal for now”. Now……now……. what a powerful word. BE HERE NOW! I have NOW.

Thursday, August 8, 2019. A day that will be forever etched in my mind. I knew I had not felt well for some time, but I had a LOT going on and I along with my doctor were able to attribute everything to something relatively minor.

At 49, I was exhausted all of the time: I chalked that up to my lack of sleep.
Lack of sleep: I assumed that was due to my extremely stressful and busy job.
Stomach issues: Well, I had dealt with digestive distress for as long as I could remember.
Night Sweats: Come on, at 49 it’s obvious. MENAPAUSE. In fact many of my symptoms could be attributed to that.
Recurrent cough: I honestly still don’t know if this is associated with my diagnosis. But I can say that it’s the symptom that gave us the answer.

The day after my 50th birthday I had a party planned. I don’t like surprises, so I planned it out myself. As my daughter, daughter in law and soon to be daughter in law got ready for the party, I became riddled with anxiety. The idea of going to the party sounded daunting and exhausting. But I went through with it and ended up having SO MUCH fun! Crisis averted. But the anxiety and fatigue came back with a vengeance. My stomach was a mess, the night sweats were worse than ever, the fatigue almost unbearable and the cough was back!

Ready to make a change I made a doctors appointment. I took charge at that appointment. “It’s time for a chest x-ray, I need new blood work and I’d like a urinalysis for good measure!” The PA I saw that day was more than willing to order the tests and because I was at an integrated care facility, I was able to head downstairs for all of the testing immediately.

I did NOT expect what came next. The chest x-ray showed 2 nodules on my lungs. Nothing to be terribly concerned about, but I should have a follow up CT. The CT confirmed the nodules (4 not 2), but it also caught my upper abdomen. I received the CT report quite casually via an email notification. I was reading it, not understanding most of it. And there it was…….. “impression: nodules likely a metastasis of renal cell carcinoma”. Woah, I am sorry, WHAT? I must have the wrong persons results. Nope, these were mine.

I will forever be grateful that my boss, a high level healthcare leader and brilliant doctor was in his office. He confirmed what I was reading and within 3 minutes had organized a “dream team” of doctors who would go on to care for me.

I had the best scenario in one of the worst of all situations. What happens now? I had no clue, but I would find out and knew from day one that I will beat this, but it will change my life forever. I am choosing to have that change be for the better.