It was a rough weekend……..

I think it hit me. This has all happened so quickly, I am Just over 4 weeks post kidney removal as a result of a pretty crappy cancer diagnosis and I had yet to really have a good cry over it. I mean Courtney and I shed some tears in those first couple of days and I had some tough early on teary conversations with my daughters in law. But I had yet to really let it fly! Well…… this past Sunday was the day. I had stayed up late Saturday night reading survivor stories and a large number of them spoke about how they were living with cancer, but they had been through SO MUCH to get there! Difficult treatments, recurrences and more. Yes, some had great experiences too, but for some reason, at 11pm, lying in bed, my husband fast asleep, I chose to focus on the negative. I became anxious, scared, sad, and whole host of other emotions. Sunday, for the first time I have been diagnosed, I shared the most raw fears I have had with my husband and I cried. A big sobbing cry. I think I somehow needed it. I needed to let it out. We talked and got to a place I think my husband and I both needed to get. A place of love and understanding, but most important, a place of calm positivity. My daughter helped me realize that in the face of this cancer diagnosis I have been Blessed with an amazing boss who connected me immediately with incredible doctors, I was able to get the mass (Felicia) removed quickly and completely! Yes, there are the lung nodules and yes, kidney cancer is an aggressive and sneaky little beast, but there are advancements in treatment every day! And I feel better than I have in about a year! No more cough, no more night sweats, way more energy and a tribe of friends & family to help see me through this tough time.

So yes, yesterday was hard. But today is better! And I am grateful for it. Grateful for so much. Grateful you are taking the time to read this blog and hear my journey! Grateful you are I am sure sending me positive thoughts and prayer as I type this. For that I thank you!

Today is an amazing day! I walked over 9,000 steps, a record since having Felicia removed. Tomorrow I plan to beat that record!

My favorite thing that people have said to me since being diagnosed (and they don’t even realize how very much it means to me!) is “You’ve Got This!” And I do!

First things first. As you all know, our son Hayden got married this past Saturday! Let me just tell you that the day was pretty much perfect! Our 11 month old granddaughter was all smiles going down the isle in the arms of one of Hayden’s very best friends, the bride looked STUNNING (the groom was pretty darn good looking too!), the food was amazing and the dancing was a blast! (I think I am still paying the price for overdoing it a bit!) At 3.5 weeks post surgery I am not sure all of the dancing I did was wise, but all in all I feel great!

I walked to the end of our 1/4 mile long road and back today and did some thinking. A co-worker and friend of mine lost her husband a few years ago to a glioblastoma brain tumor. At his funeral visitation I walked up to her and stumbled over my words. You know that feeling…… “Elise I……. I just……. so sorry…….” at which point she stopped me and looked me right in the eye and said “it’s ok, I know, words are hard”. She was so calm and comforting (wasn’t I there to comfort her!?) and her words stuck with me. Now I find myself in the interesting position of people stumbling over their words to me. “I heard about your little medical issue” (yes, someone said that). If I hear “how are you feeling” or “you look so great” one more time I may lose it. I mean I get it, these people all mean SO WELL! Their words are kind and well intentioned. Words are hard. No one really knows what to say. The most recent was a Facebook message that said “are you ok? I heard a rumor you may not be”. Yup, words are hard. And I am not saying anyone should stop trying! Kind friends reaching out are a true Blessing and even though it may not sound like it, I am grateful!

Sometimes words are not words. My very close friend Tammie lost her son to suicide nearly 2 years ago. My husband and I went to the visitation. I was in the lobby and she walked out of the room where the visitation would be held. She looked my way and we walked towards each other and just hugged. The worlds biggest hug, loaded with sobbing tears and no words at all. But so much was said in that moment. It was a hug packed with “I am so sorry this has happened”, “I don’t understand how this happened” and “I am here for you, day, night, anything in between, forever and always”.

Now I do have a handful of sweet friends who know me so well. They know that humor and light heartedness is just what I need. Those are my favorite messages! “How are you doing now that Felicia is gone?” All of this is to say that I get it and so do others going through tough stuff! WORDS ARE HARD! But find them, share them. Be smart about what you say. Telling someone with a cancer diagnosis about ALL the people you know with cancer is not super helpful. But again, WORDS ARE HARD! Sometimes a hug is the best way to express what you want to say.

So for those of you wondering, I am GOOD! I feel physically incredible and the mental/emotional stuff is coming along! I am still scared, but I am a fighter and am keeping my positive attitude! I am eating the stuff that is good for me and avoiding what is not. I walk and look forward to starting a running regimen soon! So if you are wondering what you can do, I’ll take prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, your favorite healthy recipes and soon, a running partner!

It’s wedding week! Our son Hayden is getting married this Saturday so this will be a BUSY week! I have a coffee meeting, job interview and am getting my nails done with Courtney tomorrow! Thursday should be a day to relax and pack. Friday we check in to the hotel, head to the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. And then we are there! Saturday is the big day! I have been working hard to find the perfect balance between rest and activity to prep for this moment!

With regard to how I feel physically, I feel noticeable improvement daily now. Each morning I wake up, getting out of bed and getting around is so much easier! My abdominal muscles and my incision are still really tight feeling, but the more I get around, the more that improves. The glue is almost totally gone from the incision and I am hopeful I don’t look a bit like Frankenstein’s monster when this is healed. I head back to work in about a week and a 1/2 so that will be nice! I have decided that with Courtney’s motivational help, we are going to do the Couch to 5k program as soon as I am able to increase my activity to that point! I’ll do anything to ensure that I stay as healthy as possible!

• Meditation
• Serious diet changes (no sugar, reduced carbs, more veggies, more water)
• Increased activity
• Keeping a positive attitude
• Keeping my body alkaline
• Running to reduce stress and anxiety (SOON!)

Any other suggestions? I am SO happy to hear about them and consider adding them to my list!

I did learn that the head of Oncology, Dr. Anas Al-Janadi will be the oncologist who continues to follow my case with us. He is amazing and I could not ask for anyone better to serve in this role on my team! My first post surgery CT is on Tuesday October 1st. Pre-surgery I was suffering from my 3rd round of a REALLY nasty cough that disappeared immediately following removal of the kidney and mass. This is a huge positive according to Dr. AJ as we are so hopeful that the nodules on my lungs stay the same size or get smaller! I only wish I could allow myself to feel the confidence that he does. I have developed a tickle in my throat that causes a slight dry cough. Nothing like what I had, but of course it scares the heck out of me! It is allergy season and I notice improvement with the use of Flonase for post nasal drip, so it’s probably time to stop panicking so much. I am quickly realizing that no good can come from the worry. It only robs me of this very moment. The truth is that none of us are promised tomorrow and we should ALL just be so happy in the joy of the very moments we are in. They are such a tremendous Blessing! So right now, I will enjoy the sun that has just came shining through my slider following a huge thunder storm, visits from beautiful friends who care so much, family that keeps me completely sane and loves me to the ends of the earth, the joy that comes with an upcoming wedding and so much more! I have hope, goals, plans, passion and a VERY strong desire to help others! I think I’ll focus on all of this amazing stuff and leave Felicia right where she belongs…..on some researchers microscope, out of my mind, my body and my life!

Make it a great day all!

“We are so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.”
– Bill Watterson

It feels as though nothing and everything is happening at once. The days home recovering are somewhat long and boring now. I need to start to find ways to keep busy because any time spent alone seems to be too much time to think. My mind goes back and forth between worst and best case scenarios. I know it’s the best case thoughts, the positive mentality that will get me through this, so I work hard to stay on that track!

Next week should prove to be a busy one! I have my first appointment with my medical oncologist, Dr. Mark Campbell. Word on the street is that he is REALLY good so I’ll add that to the Blessing list! So far any care I have received has been so amazing and with the very best! I continue to be so incredibly grateful. The appointment with Dr. Campbell is a consultation, so no new scans yet. But I suspect he will tell us what the plan is for that. When I will get my first post surgery scan so that we can see what is going on and what the treatment plan moving forward will be. My hope and prayer is that the lung nodules have gotten smaller. If this is the case, there may be no need for additional treatment at this time!

Just to “keep it real” and provide information for someone who stumbles upon this blog who is going through this as well I should share that:
1. I am 2 weeks post open nephrectomy (kidney removal) today.
2. I continue to take Tylenol (500mg) about 3x a day for discomfort.
3. I am much less tired and even go for short walks throughout the day.
4. I continue to suffer from a great deal of gas/digestive discomfort. Whole grains and raw vegetables seem to  make it worse.
5. I am still only able to sleep on my right side and even that is not great! I use Xanax a couple of times a week to help quiet my mind and get a decent nights sleep.

All in all I am doing well! Am I scared? Yup! Am I uncomfortable? Yup! But am I getting better every day? FOR SURE! Am I determined to get through this better than ever? You better believe it! I am on a mission! To help others going through a similar situation. To provide information, understanding, support or maybe just someone to talk to. One moment at a time, I am moving forward. First up, our sons wedding a week from this Saturday! Next, get back to work! I’ll be back in the office on Monday September 23rd and I am ready! After that……well, just wait and see! With a lot of determination, love and support, I have some big plans! Ready?

Recovery: Things are going well! I experience what I would consider noticeable improvement every day. I can still only sleep on my right side with any semblance of comfort. That means that generally after about 5 hours of sleep I wake up fairly numb on my right side. My shoulder and hips are paying the price, but I keep reminding myself that this is temporary! I am improving daily and before I know it, the pain and discomfort will be gone and I can go back to sleeping on whichever side I dang well please! My appetite has stayed pretty hearty, especially when compared to before Felicia was discovered. Before surgery I had terrible reflux symptoms (though as you may recall, I was not producing acid per the Ph study I had done!), I had a pretty nasty cough, high blood pressure, zero appetite, night sweats and I was exhausted the vast majority of the day. Every one one of these symptoms have now resolved…….. go figure! All in all, with the exception of the probably foot long incision from my sternum to my bikini line and the feeling that I’ve had an organ removed (wait just a minute now………), I feel pretty great!

The rest: The “rest” is the stuff that is tougher to describe. The emotional part. Will there come a day when I don’t think about this constantly? Will people always look at me differently now? Will I always be afraid? Will I feel normal again? I think I know the answers….. Yes, no, maybe a little and of course. Today was a great day! Some of the kiddos and our one precious grand kiddo came over. We enjoyed the sun, laughed, took a pontoon boat ride and just enjoyed the day. It wore me out more quickly than I would like. But I keep trying to remind myself that I had a pretty major surgery just 9 days ago. I am beginning to understand the 4 week recovery plan. It’s as though the doctors know what they are talking about.

Like I said, today was a good day. A really good day! Tomorrow will be even better! I feel so good and am making choices to keep it that way! I know I have some control here. I can advocate for myself. I can make better food choices. I can keep stress to a minimum and a positive attitude at a maximum! I can accept the love and support of family and friends and take care of ME. Guilt free! I deserve that. We ALL deserve that.

Enjoy this long beautiful weekend! And don’t listen to all of this “last weekend of summer” crap! There are a TON of warm summer days to come. And let’s be honest,
fall = jeans, sweaters, boots, bonfires, football games, pumpkins, apple picking and wine tasting. Fall is a pretty spectacular Michigan season too! 

Time to get caught up!

So when I prepared for my time in the hospital, I packed like I was going to a 5 star resort! An outfit for every day, my full skincare regimen, all of my make-up, 5 (yes 5) books to read. I mean I envisioned myself in full make-up, entertaining visitors and enjoying the new “room service” style of getting hospital meals! Yeah……that’s not AT ALL what my 4 nights in the hospital looked like! It was more like nausea, exhaustion, round the clock vitals, awful food, zero make up, don’t even want to think about showering or visitors, can’t get comfortable, constipated,  no sleep, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I came home on Monday 8/26. I had slept about 15 minutes the night prior. My husband tucked me in on the couch and within 10 minutes I was asleep for 2.5 hours. It was AMAZING! I dozed on and off all day, then slept a good 7 hours that night!

I opted to get off of the opioids while I was still in the hospital. I came home on Tylenol, stool softeners and Xanax as needed.

I am learning that this is all going to be a bit of a roller coaster for awhile. Surgery went great and for that I am so grateful! The staff at the hospital were truly incredible. The flowers, texts, calls and visits have been so comforting.

My nerves get the best of me though! I mean come on, this is scary! The surgeon called today to check in and share the pathology results. It’s an “ugly” cancer. Aggressive but contained to the kidney. He got it all!”Clear Margins” is the term they use and it sounds like that’s what you want to hear. He also said the words “this is a good pathology report!” That felt so good to hear! But then why does it still feel a little “ugh”? Well, it’s just scary and uncomfortable. It’s not a diagnosis anyone wants to hear regardless of how well things go! There are still those annoying little lung nodules, but we will watch those. This is GOOD NEWS!

I need to learn to really live in the moment! We all do honestly! Felicia is gone! We agreed to allow them to utilize the mass for research once the pathology came back. Apparently while under the influence of pre-surgery relaxation drugs and while talking about our “donation” of Felicia to science, I looked down at my kidney area and stated “she’s (Felicia) destined for greatness, just not with me!” So that’s that. She’s OUT, gone, no more! Maybe she’ll help someone else with the research done. It’s time to move on. The weather is amazing, my son’s wedding is in just over 2 weeks, I have friends and family who love me SO MUCH and this life is so beautiful! I think I’ll just go get to really enjoying it! Do the same!

I did it! I made it! I was terrified, but I got through surgery. As I have mentioned before, I have never had a big surgery, with intubation. I have likely watched FAR too many medical shows and had a very dramatic notion of how this could go. Well none of that happened.

The day of surgery I spent the morning in a bit of a fog. We cleaned up, finished getting my bags packed and in the car and made our way to the hospital. Things went smoothly, I get checked in a and registered. We waited longer than planned, but in truth, I fully expected delays given an afternoon surgery time. I get it, things happen!

Once I went back to get gowned up, the train of people started. Tech, nurse, another nurse, my surgeon. EKG, IV, nerve block, game plan. This was happening!

If you have had surgery you know this. They wheeled me to the OR and approximately 30 seconds later I was waking up (it was actually more like 2 hours later, but I would not have know that!) in recovery. I was groggy, and confused and in SO MUCH PAIN! But it was over. Off to my room! If I am being honest, I don’t remember much of the remainder of Thursday so we can wrap that up on this note: I DID IT! One big hurdle jumped over like it’s my job! That was a big step everyone and it’s done!

Friday was rough. I was warned it would be, but I was still not prepared. I was hurting! Pain meds would not touch things. Getting up to go to the bathroom might as well have been climbing Mt. Everest. But it was also a great day of learning about how things went. Now that I was out of the fog, my family told me that my surgeon Dr. Lane came out after I was done and told them things went REALLY well! He got the entire kidney and mass out in one piece and he was able to really take a good look at the other organs and was pleased to have found no other issues! He visited later that day and reiterated this news to me himself! We are heading in the right direction!! I am grateful, I am so Blessed! Am I still scared? Of course. But again, this will not define me, this will NOT rule my life, my thoughts, squash my dreams. Not a chance!

Saturday started out ok. I thought I had gotten a small block of sleep, but between lack of sleep, very little to eat, and this whole situation finally catching up to me, I found myself dizzy and nauseous. I spoke with my surgeon’s PA. She was very comforting. This was all normal and she explained that clinically everything looked amazing. It would seem we have reached a point where the next few small steps were up to me. I needed to get up and move, get some food in me, take the necessary medications, you know, take care of myself. Put me first. I’m the mom……putting me first is not in my DNA. But I need to give it a shot!

So we came up with a plan. Some tweaks to my meds. A little Xanax to create some general calm, and help me rest. Less of the hard stuff (Oxy), and planned Zofran to combat the nausea before it starts. So Saturday wraps up better than it was starting and I am one day closer to getting home. Home to start the next phase of healing. At this point, Monday is the planned discharge day!

As a wrap up of the last few days, it has to be said, that the staff I have encountered, not just for surgery, but throughout this entire process, have been EXCEPTIONAL! Seriously. Not just good, not just great. Everyone has been TOP NOTCH! Kind, caring, informative, helpful. It’s been unreal. It has made a difference that can’t be explained. I am so thankful. I will be letting each of them know how much they impacted my care. How they made a difficult time a bit less difficult.

Be kind, be compassionate, be a light in someone’s life, offer a compliment, show you care. I promise IT MATTERS! It makes a difference.

And here we are. Surgery eve. As in surgery is tomorrow. Like this is happening…….tomorrow. Let that sink in.

Today I would say I’m a little numb to it. It was crazy busy at work trying to tie up loose ends to prepare for my leave of absence. Not much time to really think about the fact that tomorrow I will have ONE LESS KIDNEY! I’m sorry…….WHAT? But walking out of work, saying “see ya in a few weeks” which garnered more of the hugs, love and positive words of encouragement that I have grown so used to started to make it real. What a beautiful Blessing to be surrounded by nothing by positive thoughts and heart filled prayer.

My favorite moments are with those special friends who I can actually laugh and make jokes about this ordeal with! I mean if you can’t laugh…….

Oh! Another dear friend gave me a necklace, but not just any necklace. This one is a dainty silver necklace with dashes and dots strung on it that spell out “You’ve Got This” in Morse code. Do you know that I have not had a single good cry about all of this, but this gesture about had me in a puddle. Another example of the love and caring around me.

Tomorrow is the big day so I’ll blog again on Friday! Think positive thoughts, say a prayer and send me virtual hugs and love!

I have to say that today was hands down the most “ordinary” day since my diagnosis nearly 2 weeks ago. I got up, got ready, drank a protein shake, went to work…….you know, the usual!

The most exciting thing that happened was that the pre-op nurse called to give me my specific surgery time! 2:30pm this Thursday with a noon arrival! It still doesn’t seem real.

I am still completely overwhelmed by the unwavering love and support I am receiving from family, friends and co-workers. I have elected to keep this whole thing off of social media for now. It’s all happened so fast that I fear if I post something now that I’ll realize quickly that I totally missed telling someone who should have heard personally from me.

Courtney came over and we CLEANED my house from top to bottom which felt amazing. We grilled out, relaxed and I got a pretty good nights sleep.

It feels good to have a “normal” day! A day that I don’t think constantly about all of this. I just want to feel the way I did before I found out I had cancer. With a few exceptions. I want to keep my new found understanding, empathy, awareness of those around me and a general appreciation for every moment of every day. I have absolutely been forever changed.

And so begins another week! But not just ANY week. It’s surgery week! The big day is Thursday and I have to say I am growing more and more nervous about having the surgery. I know I keep saying this…… but I feel like it must be somewhat normal to feel this way. Right?

Today I headed in to work. Going into my office has been really comforting. A lot of the people I love and appreciate are there! I have always known my co-workers were amazing, but they are really showing off now! There are always new cards on my desk now and today there was a gorgeous basket from a gorgeous and inspiring woman! I’ve grown to simply and genuinely appreciate these kind gestures vs. allowing them to make me feel “different” and sick. Because that is NOT who I am! I am a kind and strong person with kind and strong friends offering words of comfort, peace and a strength I never even knew I possessed. I won’t forget this! Months, even years down the road I will see these people differently than before. Not just the amazing people I knew they have always been, but instead, they have become my very own hero tribe. The people who offered me strength, love and occasionally kidney’s! The people who helped get me through this very rough patch! And I hope they know with out doubt that through anything, I will be there when needed! I will be part of their hero tribe!

Together is the best way to get through trials. Together we have got this! 3 days until surgery! #byefelica